Debate Monsters

Werewolves - These types will speak rationally and calmly until one of their buttons are pressed. Then they get hairy, sprout fangs, and will maul their opponents without human restraint. Once bitten by one of these, a regular person is in danger of exhibiting wolfish tendencies toward the next person with whom they speak.

Zombies - These revenants plough right on ahead, trying to make points and win arguments in complete and blissful ignorance that they have no leg to stand on. They feel no pain, and often do not respond to questions, comments or the increasing level of irritation they produce in their listeners. Oblivious to the pile of evidence mounting against them and the tide of their popularity washing out to sea, they plod mindlessly onward.

Golems - These hulking brutes, like zombies, allow nothing to get in their way no matter how minor their point, or how drawn-out their arguments are. They differ from this latter class in that they will, if attacked, send opponents spinning away with a stony fist as they continue their slow, lumbering march to the cliff's edge.

Gremlins - These minor troublemakers will blurt out any argument that comes into their heads in an effort to irritate. They are immune to most forms of verbal attack, but cannot stand silence. They quickly depart from any chat room which has contracted that dread condition.

Imps/Goblins - If a gremlin survives long enough, it often becomes an imp. If it develops an actual agenda it develops into a goblin. These debaters are more sophisticated, and often older than gremlins. While the tendencies to start arguments remain, the motives are often different. Imps love the actual process of arguing with opponents, and the actual matter being disagreed upon is of minor importance. Goblins enjoy discussions that result in them being able to present their pet theories, which are often of a lamentable nature. Almost nothing useful can be gained from an encounter with gremlins or imps, and losing a battle with a goblin can be painful.

Trolls - Trolls are ugly. They may be relatively intelligent people, but their notions and ideas tend to inspire horror in others. Their moral code appears calculated to offend hapless onlookers, and their bold assertions make decent folk cringe. An opponent's only prayer is that these nocturnal cave dwellers will eventually be turned to stone by the welcome light of dawn.

Shape-shifters - These individuals will use plays on words, perceived errors in your grammar, and minute lapses of logic to dodge around issues. When their backs are to the wall, shape-shifters are masters of changing the focus of the argument to make their (often more justified) opponents look stupid.

Body-snatchers - Impostors abound on the internet, and often a good friend will begin to display unusual tendencies due to the intervention of a body-snatcher. These individuals log into chat rooms using names similar to, or identical with, well known visitors. Depending on the nature of the snatcher, the resulting damage can have a wide range of magnitude.

Vampires - Similar to shape-shifters, vampires will latch on to every little error in their debate-partner's vocabulary, spelling etc. The difference is that vampires do not do so in order to change the focus of the argument or when they are in danger of defeat, but to browbeat their opponents in an attempt to make themselves appear superior, even if they are winning. This quickly drains the life of the conversation, and the person with whom they are discussing a matter is reduced to a pale, unenthusiastic mess who is unwilling to go on.

Slimes and Oozes - These bog monsters will use abusive language and insults from the get go, often without provocation. Slimes tend to go a step further and incorporate vulgar and obscene terms into their mudslinging assaults. No matter how quickly an opponent realizes the true nature of these monsters and escape, they can't help but feel a little dirty when they get home.

Mutants - Sometimes intelligent, often correct in their arguments, mutants have one fatal flaw. They are absolutely lacking in social skills. Mutants stand out in the crowd by virtue of their overgrown verbal appearance. Whether it's bold, bright or large fonts, or their tactless approach to friend and foe alike, mutants have the uncanny ability to repulse even the most well meaning chat-room mates.

Phantoms - These debaters are often aggressive, but whether they begin the discussion or not, they quickly vanish when refuted, only to reappear days or even weeks later with the same tired objections. They sometimes flit from message board to message board, but often enjoy haunting the same small set of individuals.

Ghosts - Commonly encountered internet spirits. These will agree with your point of view if bested, and then vanish, never to be seen again. Forget follow-up conversations or discussions. Transient ghosts never attach themselves to one place for very long. Even if you do somehow manage to come across the same ghost a second time, chances are they have already forgotten the topic, or their agreement with your position.

Spectres - A subclass of "Ghosts." These slightly more hostile entities will hear your argument, disagree and promise a rebuttal "soon." At this point they vanish, and may never be seen again. As with more benign manifestations, short term memory may be a characteristic, and even if you do run into a Spectre again, it may have forgotten the issue completely.

LGMs (Little Green Men) - Alien abductors will hover above a conversation for a while and then, when an individual involved in the discussion attracts their attention, they will beam their victim aboard. A series of invasive and probing experiments follow, usually in the form of deeply personal questions that have nothing whatsoever to do with the issue currently being discussed. When the abductees have been drained of all useful knowledge, they are left in deserted corn fields and commonly experience the phenomenon known as "missing time."

Spooks - These relatively harmless ghosts use the internet as a vast resource for the accumulation of sympathy. They report every bad thing that ever happened to them (most of which occurred that very day) in an effort to avoid the inescapable conclusion that they are, in fact, without a life.

Ghouls - Ghouls have a disturbing tendency of preying on the weak and dying. They jump into an argument when they see someone being soundly defeated, and help the victor to finish off his opponent in the hope of being allowed to carry off body parts for their own unspeakable purposes.

Incubi/Succubi - These individuals, male and female respectively, use discussions on the net as an excuse to flirt with members of the opposite (hopefully) sex. Some are not even fully aware that they have developed these tendencies, but a string of dysfunctional internet relationships tell the tale. Those who are conscious tempters may have no relationships as such to speak of... on the internet or otherwise.

Mummies - These unfortunate chatters spend most of their time motionlessly wrapped in linen. They are there... sort of, but inevitably have an "away" status, and have been in their condition of stasis for - some suspect - thousands of years. Chat room hosts are often members of this pyramid-clad crew.

Banshees - These are the infamous "flooders." Even in rooms where no one is responding, banshees will continuously shriek their often pre-planned speeches. If a chat room becomes the victim of too many of these loud, intangible creatures, it is only days away from certain doom.

Leprechauns - The leprechauns are an interesting species. They lead their opponents down long, winding roads of logic and evidence cited from many and varied sources. Along the way, they promise a pot of gold at the end if they will only consent to answering the numerous questions and agreeing to the vigorous stream of foundational theses for just a little bit longer. Like the end of the rainbow, however, the treasure is always just over the horizon.

Necromancers - Among the most dangerous of debate opponents, necromancers can summon a host of sympathetic ghosts, spirits, spectres and other nearby beasties to their aid. When attacked, they will retreat into a safe place and send their legion of friends to subdue their aggressors.

Shadows - Not much can be said about these beings. They lurk in the quiet corners of chat rooms and do not say much. They may in fact belong to any one of several among the above classes, and reveal their true identity when the light is shone upon them. On the other hand, among this mysterious number may be classes of yet-undiscovered debate monsters.